Over his 24 years with the Fulton Police Department, Sgt. Jimmy Culbertson learned plenty of valuable lessons.
For example, if you pick up a skunk by the tail and move fast enough, you won't get sprayed.
During his retirement party Monday, Culbertson maintained, "I started this job knowing nothing about law enforcement and I'm still not sure I know anything."
His coworkers and friends say otherwise.
"I'm very sad to see him go," said Lt. Bill Ladwig. "He's a great storyteller and a vault of knowledge we can't easily replace."
A transplant from southwestern Missouri, Culbertson spent his early years as a touring drummer for a number of blues bands. Once, memorably, he played drums for the great rock-and-roll pioneer Chuck Berry. (He still plays drums for a half-dozen local bands.)
"Then I decided, as I was an aging touring drummer, I'd better find an occupation that would provide for the family I wanted to have," Culbertson said.
To his surprise, each occupation-finder test he took pointed him toward law enforcement. He spent a year working as a reserve officer for the Columbia Police Department, and pursued a degree in criminal justice at Columbia College, where Carol England - now a judge for the 13th Judicial Circuit taught at the time.
"She came in one night and said, 'Did you get your application in?' I said, 'What application?'" Culbertson recalled.
She wanted him to apply for position with the Fulton Police Department. Culbertson managed to get an application in just before the deadline, and though his history as a long-haired musician raised a few eyebrows, he got the job.
Since then, he and his wife, Carrie, have raised a family. His daughter Madison Culbertson is now a zookeeper at the St. Louis Zoo, while son Austin is a district sales manager for Bayer's crop science division.
Culbertson earned several promotions over the years, ultimately being promoted to sergeant and evidence/property manager in 2002.
"As the chief puts it, I do the things no one else wants to do," he said.
That's been his role ever since. But he and his colleagues have plenty of stories from back in his days on the beat.
He hadn't been on the job long when a fateful call came in from Dairy Queen. A skunk had waddled its way into the building and taken up residence under the ice machine.
"I didn't know what to do; animal control didn't know what to do," Culbertson said.
Given that it was a skunk inside a restaurant, and given skunks' habit of raising a stink when unhappy, nonviolent methods were in order. He tried laying out a trail of hamburger pieces from the ice machine to the door. When that failed, he tied a burger to a string and tried to lure the skunk out. No dice.
Then a fellow officer came in and offered some advice: "It can't spray you if you grab it by the tail." Culbertson recalled hearing something similar from his father, though that story ended with his dad getting sprayed.
"I say, 'If you're lying to me, neither of us is going to live this down,'" Culbertson said. Then he maneuvered around until the skunk's fluffy tail was in reach, gave it a yank and hurled that skunk right out the back door.
"Thank goodness no one was driving by!" he laughed.
Former Fulton Police Chief Charles Latham fondly recalled his time working with Culbertson. He remembered when the patrol cars got upgraded with in-vehicle video cameras.
"That's when I found out Jimmy liked to talk," Latham said. "You'd review those tapes, and there's Jimmy on a traffic stop for 30 minutes. I think he'd pull people over just to talk to them."
Culbertson had his heroic moments, too. On one freezing winter day, he helped rescue several people from a car that had driven into Junior Lake next to William Woods. He read aloud from a short story his daughter Madison wrote in grade school commemorating the rescue.
"On that day, I learned that bulletproof vests are not flotation devices," Culbertson quipped.
Fulton Director of Administration Bill Johnson capped off the retirement celebration by reading a mayoral proclamation recognizing Culbertson for his years of service to the city.
"He's going to be very, very missed," Fulton Police Chief Chief Steve Myers added. "He's an asset to the department and the community."
Culbertson plans to spend his retirement drumming and fishing with his family.